It had been one of those nights….sleepless, thinking about all the “what if’s” – and the what if’s, they were rolling....how can I help her make good decisions, how can I help her stop and think about her actions? What will life be like when she is a teenager or a young adult, making relational decisions on her own? What consequences of her impulsiveness will she have to learn to live with? When will I learn not to be so impatient when she has impulsive reactions?
It was about a year ago that we sent one of our precious three to an all girls Christian camp with my parents who were serving as missionaries in residence that week. During that time she spent a couple of days with my aunt who works in Special Ed. That’s when we heard “do you know she has ADHD?” And the lightbulbs came on – the infamous “aha” moment – where EVERYTHING makes sense. All the disciplining and talking until you’re blue in the face….the constant need to remind her to “focus,” the difficulties in school, the challenges in interpersonal relationships with other children.
I had been working hard to raise all three kids, wanting them to be a blessing to those around them (or perhaps in all truthfulness, seeking accolades for my child raising abilities?) but fighting discouragement on SO many levels. I must not be firm or consistent enough in my discipline I thought. It had to be my fault. If I did things right then my child would be calm and still and act more mature. Her lack of verbal skills must be my fault for not communicating well with her.
So I tried harder and disciplined more severely. I was repeating myself until I was blue in the face. I would jealously look at other families where, from the outside, everything seemed so easy and wondered how in the world they raised their kids to be so obedient and calm all the time. Wondering what in the world I was still doing wrong. So I would read more books and ask for more advice. But I was coming to my whits’ end. Right to the place God brings us when we are trying everything in our own strength and logic. Some things defy logic and some kids just don’t “grow by the rules.” They are a blessing to us … they bless us by driving us to our knees, closer to Jesus, being the sandpaper that rubs away at our impatience and arrogance and pride and shows us our own inadequacies and our need for a SAVIOR.
Yesterday I had the privilege of having a lengthy conversation with a new friend in church, a lady who has spent almost 2 decades in special ed. When I mentioned ADHD she nodded, having had this precious one in Sunday School. “Yes,” her soft words, “I noticed right away.” “Do you have any advice?” I asked. “Think of life from her perspective,” her soft reply came again. “You may have told her to do something for the 10th time, but to her it is the first time she has heard you. And she doesn’t understand why you are upset with her….again!” And my thoughts continue....as this little one’s words from the night before ring in my head. “I don’t know how not to be bad. It seems that I’m just always bad. I don’t even know how to do what is right.”
She doesn't understand why we get frustrated and irritated with her. All she knows is that many seem frustrated with her high energy, some have made fun of how she talks and and that she is constantly being told to calm down and focus. She gets frustrated at her inability to communicate her thoughts verbally or appropriately. She doesn't understand why her siblings have an easier time making friends or don’t seem to get in as much trouble. For her the answer “I DON’T KNOW!” to the question “why did you do this?” is often a legitimate answer. But then there is also the habit of manipulation that all kids have learned and she is no exception. And as a parent I seem to make more mistakes than not in distinguishing the difference.
Yesterday as we were driving home Reid said "He sees your fears!" And He answered by giving words of encouragement through a new friend. Yes He does. I'm thankful that at each stage in her life she has been surrounded by what she has needed. Timberline is no exception. She has been shown a tremendous amount of love and care by the staff and students. But there are some new steps to take in the days ahead and we'll need wisdom for those.
In the mean time I look at her bright blue sparkly eyes and hear her laugh as she flies by with her "hair on fire." I remember how her siblings miss her when she's gone because she is always the one that initiates the fun around here ... and I think about how dull and how very arrogant our family would be without her ... And I remember that God gave her to us for a reason and He gave us to her for a reason. And mainly I remember that she is HIS and He takes care of His children. He made her just the way she is. So dear one - if you ever read this - He makes no mistakes. And I love you just the way you are. All of us need His Grace to work through things in our life. And by His Grace....we will.
